(7.21 No.92 —

By Steve Hermanos

I watched you yesterday,
Your swings versus the Angels,
A doubleheader created
By the first Anaheim rainout,
Since Bill Clinton rode the interns;

You look like you’re
Eating everything—
Cars ’n buses ’n decommissioned factories,
Mothballed airplanes,
Bridge abutments,

I’m surprised you can move,
Off third base,
But your speed has only partly diminished,
Carrying your box-car gut,
Hippo legs;

Your cheeks fattening,
Like a pair of infant ducks,
Are slicing your vision,
Rendered unable to detect
And sliders
Diving through the strike zone;

Bill Clinton,
You of the insatiable appetites
For girls with big hair, for food,
Now all, seemingly, quelled,
How’d ya do it?
Which team of shrinks deprogrammed you?
How’d you go from McDonald’s
To vegan?
Can’t you orchestrate
A Panda intervention?

Panda’s got
That $85,000,000,
Funnel-caking to his bank account
Over the next 4+ years;

Maybe Panda doesn’t care,
That before the contact’s up,
he’ll be sitting on a lounge chair,
On a beach
In Venezuela,
His flowery shirt unbuttoned,
Revealing the hairy stomach mountain,
Laughing as surfers fall into the sea,
As he’s brought
Platter after platter
Of greasy animal parts,
Frosty caloric drinks,
And dessert;

You see,
For those talented at endeavors,
That minisculely reward–
The rest of us–
Is hard.

—End of poem

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